A new short?

[emjen]

Hello, this is a short I'm writing, and it's the first time I'm actually starting with so much dialogue. The main character is Ben, and he's a pyromaniac.

Please tell me what you think of this as the beginning of a (supposed to be) 20 page short.


EXT. BRIDGE ? NIGHT

A young man, BEN, 18, walks under a wooden bridge with a spray-can, doing his best not to get noticed. He wears a back-pack.

He looks around and up ? there?s no one. He shakes the spray-can and starts spraying on an open spot. Ben?s eyes are full with excitement.

ON THE SPOT
fluid is sprayed on wood, but is invisible, slowly dripping downward.

Ben looks through his backpack and picks out a LIGHTER. With satisfaction he lights the fluid, and watches as the fluid catches fire.

CUT TO

NEWSFLASH

A female reporter stands in front of a burnt building with firemen in the background.

REPORTER
?they?re extinguishing the remaining fires in the City Hall here in Amster-dam, which caused death to nine people, including the death of a fireman, John Smith, who tried to save two?

INT. LOCKER ROOM, FIRE BRIGADE ? NIGHT

A medium build MAN, HANK, sits in the locker room with a badge in his hands. He?s crying softly.

Some of his colleagues walk by.

COLLEAGUE #1
I?m sorry Hank.

COLLEGUE #2 places his hand on Hank?s shoulder.

COLLEAGUE #2
My condolences Hank. I?m really sorry.

HANK doesn?t look up, he keeps staring at the badge in his hands. The badge belongs to JOHN SMITH.

INT. BEN?S LIVING ROOM ? NIGHT

The same news about the fire on his TV. Ben?s watching TV on the couch, and is shocked.

BEN
Oh **** .

BEN?S MOM (OS)
Ben? Dinner?s ready.

Ben nods without losing sight of the TV.

BEN
Coming.

EXT. STREETS, BEN?S NEIGHBOURHOOD ? AFTERNOON

Ben?s riding on his longboard wearing his backpack, listening to his VAST music in his MD-player. Ben?s thinking about un-happy things.

EXT. TERRACED HOUSE ? CONT?D

Ben picks up his board and rings the doorbell. A handsome girl, SUSAN, opens.

SUSAN
(sad)
Hi. Come in.

INT. SUSAN?S BEDROOM

A nice girl?s bedroom with bright colors. Ben and Susan sit on the bed. They both look sad.

SUSAN
He?s devastated.

Ben stares downward.

SUSAN
I?ve never seen him like this. He?s?

Ben sighs.

SUSAN
Ben?

BEN
Yes?

SUSAN
Promise me something.

BEN
(looks up)
What?s wrong?

SUSAN
Can you make a promise?

BEN
Yes? it depends.

SUSAN
And keep the promise?

BEN
Well? I think so ? but you know I ?

SUSAN
That?s what it?s about.

BEN
But you know I can?t ?

SUSAN
Ben.

BEN
What?

SUSAN
Can you make a promise, yes or no?

BEN
I don?t know. I think so.

SUSAN
Promise me you won?t do it again. Ever.

BEN sighs a bit agitated.

BEN
Susan? I?ve already told you, you know how I am. You know how it is, it?s like a?

SUSAN
It?s a disease Ben. You?re addicted.

BEN
No I?m ? I don?t know.

SUSAN
Ben, look at me.

BEN and SUSAN look at each other.

SUSAN
Please. Stop. I don?t want to know if you?re responsible for Saturday?s fire, but you?ve got to stop.

BEN?s eyes look at Susan.

SUSAN
I love you? but ?

BEN
But what?

SUSAN
But if you?re not going to stop, it?s over.

BEN
(surprised)
What?

SUSAN
And I mean it. It?s not good for you, it?s not good for me. I promise I won?t turn you in but we?ll be through if you won?t stop now. Please promise me you?ll stop. Promise me.

Ben looks at Susan for a moment, then holds her hand.

BEN
I love you.

Susan drops a tear.

SUSAN
Then stop.

BEN
I - Okay.

SUSAN
What?

BEN
I?ll stop? I?ll stop.

Susan smiles and hugs Ben roughly.

INT. LIVING ROOM, DINING TABLE (LATER)

Ben, Susan and her little 12 year old sister NICKY wait at the dinner table. Susan?s mother, MOIRA, is serving potatoes on the plates. Sound of a TV off screen.

MOIRA
Hank? Diner?s ready.

The TV?s turned off.

Ben looks at Susan. Everyone?s silently waiting for Hank to join.

HANK (OS)
Well what have we here? Potatoes with chicken *****t?

We recognize Hank from the fire brigade. Hank?s unshaven and has red eyes from sleep distortion. He joins the table.

HANK
You can eat now.

Hank pretends to be lively.

They all start eating. Ben avoids eye contact with Hank and gives his full attention to his plate.

HANK
Moira, Moira, Moira. You?ve overdone yourself. These potatoes are the best I?ve ever eaten!

Moira agrees smiling with a quick nod.

HANK
(stuffing food into his mouth)
These potatoes can compete with grandma?s potatoes! Don?t you agree Susan?

SUSAN
Yeah sure dad.

HANK
I know you do.

They all eat in silence for a moment.

HANK
Can you pass me the salad Ben?

Ben gives the salad to Hank, still avoiding eye contact.

HANK
Thanks Ben.

Ben nods.

Hank looks at Susan and Ben and smiles.

HANK
Susan, Ben is a fine boy. I don?t think it would be wise to let a fine lad like Ben go.

Susan and Ben share a quick moment.

SUSAN
(getting rid of Hank)
Thanks dad.

HANK
No really. Have you guys already con-sidered marriage?

SUSAN
Dad!

HANK
You?re still young and your life can be over before you know it.

An awkward silence. Moira gives Hank a look.

HANK
(playing with his diner)
Don?t waste time kids. You could die tomorrow. You could get run over by a truck, get shot in crossfire, or you could choke in a burning building.

Ben?s having difficulties eating his dinner as calm as possi-ble.

MOIRA
Hank.

HANK
What? John?s death made me realize life is a precious gift. You shouldn?t just throw it away by? with smoking, or drinking, or? you should live you know, live! I?m not going to hide the fact that my best friend died! If I want to talk about it I?m going to talk about it!

MOIRA
Have you been drinking Hank?

The kids look at Hank, even Ben dares to look for an instant.

HANK
(agitated)
What makes you say that?

MOIRA
I?m just asking.

They continue on their dinner.

HANK
(looking at his plate)
How could a building like that burst into flames? It can?t just ignite spon-taneously? Not in a fireproof building like that.

Susan looks out of the corner of her eyes at Ben, who?s con-centrating on his dinner.

HANK
I think someone set it on fire. Yes, I think someone lit it. What do you think Ben?

Ben looks up uneasy.

BEN
What?

HANK
Do you think someone set it on fire?

BEN
I? I don?t know. Don?t the cops know?

HANK
They?re researching right now. But what do you think?

Ben feels attacked.

BEN
I don?t know.

HANK
I can see you don?t know, but what do you think?

BEN
I ehm?

HANK
You?re a funny guy Ben!

BEN
Huh?

SUSAN
Dad?

HANK
Ben?s a funny guy Susan! You must be happy with him. Do you know why he?s so funny? Ben, do you know why you?re so funny?

MOIRA
(worried)
Hank stop it! You?ve been drinking!

Ben looks around frightened. He looks at the door with the need of leaving.

HANK (CONT?D)
Because you?re so full of **** ! You?re full of **** that?s what you are! Ben?s a funny guy!

Ben stand up with tears in his eyes. Susan quickly walks to the door knowing what Ben wants ? to get away.

MOIRA
Hank *******it! You?re drunk! Shut up!

BEN
I? I have to go?

Moira quickly nods understanding at Ben.

HANK
I haven?t been drinking Moira. It?s just that I ?

Ben walks out.

MOIRA
Leave it alone Hank.

EXT. HOUSE ? CONT?D

Ben puts his coat on and walks away. Susan stands sad in the doorway.

SUSAN
I?m sorry Ben.

BEN
(grabs his longboard and backpack)
Bye.

SUSAN
Ben, don?t forget it.

Ben walks away and looks around.

BEN
I won?t.

Ben rides away on his longboard. Susan leans against the door, confused.

[SoulJacker]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><table border="0" width="90%" bgcolor="#333333" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"><tr><td width="100%"><table border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" bgcolor="#FF9900"><tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#DDDDDD"><font size=2 face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif"> A young man, BEN, 18, </font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></BLOCKQUOTE>

That is just gay. I stopped reading before it began... Sorry.

Kinda.

[redlum]

"You could die tomorrow. You could get run over by a truck, get shot in crossfire...."

This line cracked me up Emjen. Idont know if it was intentional but its just the way the first unexpected death scenario he lists is so obvious, and then 'get shot in cross fire' - that is great.

Its pretty good. I just want to know more about the main character before it starts.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ February 13, 2003 06:30 PM: Message edited by: redlum ]</font>